We have all been there- we feel we have been wronged and we simply can’t get over it. The problem with grudges is that they impact our daily lives. We change the things we do, we see the world more negatively, and may even have a harder time finding our own happiness. So instead of holding on to the wrongs in our life, here are the steps to move forward in a healthy and productive way.
- Be honest about the situation.
Lay out the event rationally. Who did what, who reacted emotionally, who made what mistakes, etc.
- Take control.
You get to decide how long this bothers you. You need to decide to move forward and away from the negative event. Make the decision to let go.
- Share or write it down.
This is not a bad mouthing session, it is a way for you to process it. Take your rational layout of the situation and add the emotions you felt. Discuss why you believe you felt that way and if you think it is linked to something else (childhood trauma, insecurities, etc). If you find you are repeating yourself, that means you are missing a piece of the puzzle (delaying processing).
- Try to understand the other side.
Why would someone act that way? Were they acting out of fear, guilt, shame, confusion? You may not completely understand it, but we are just trying to see it as a whole picture.
- Lessons learned.
What did you learn from the situation? Would you like to behave different in the future? Is there a safety issues you need to address? It may also be helpful to write this down or share with a trusted person.
- Accept.
The reality of the situation is that the past can’t be changed. The key is understanding that it happened but now you need to look forward. How do you keep yourself safe now? How do you better your situation? Is there ways to prevent the likelihood of this happening in the future?
- Forgive.
You do not necessarily need to forgive them in person, but we want to move into the mindset that we do not wish them harm. In fact we want them to do the best they can on their journey. This does not mean that you need to be on the journey with them, but we want to stop thinking negatively.
- Re-focus.
Now it is time to focus on you, your goals, and bettering your life. Surround yourself with positive people and set your sights on making things better for everyone.
My Challenge to you: Think about a grudge or negative act that you hold on to. It can be very small- but think about how it impacts your life now. Move through these steps to let go of it. Writing down the steps can also be helpful for processing and reflection. It may take a few times to understand the situation fully, but stay with it. By letting go, you will lighten your inner distress and learn to stay focused on the moment and future goals.
Happy grudge lifting friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
Photo by: Tim Gouw
