Why do we let people treat us horribly? It seems silly that we would find ourselves in a situation that makes us feel like crap over and over- and that we let ourselves be hurt so many times. But it absolutely happens. So before you start talking down to yourself or blaming the outside world for the torture you are enduring, here is some reasons we let people treat us poorly and some basic strategies to take control of these uncomfortable interactions.
- Fear.
The most important piece of this is keeping yourself safe. If you are in any physical or emotional danger- do not stay in the interaction. Find resources and supports that can help you get out of a bad situation and understand what to do. We may feel that it can’t get interactions that are healthy or they simply don’t exist. Change your environment, routines, habits; find a positive setting for you and keep yourself healthy and safe.
- Low Self worth.
Every single one of us struggles with self esteem from time to time. The key aspect that we seem to forget is self acceptance. You do not gain self worth from an outside source. So be kind to yourself and try to accept yourself as a whole. Even with your flaws you deserve respect and kindness. It is an honor to be in your life. You and the person you are in a social interaction with should treasure each other’s company.
- Social discomfort.
We try to protect others from social uncomfortableness. Because of this we give others the benefit of the doubt, even if logically it adds up that they are truly trying to be mean. So we continue to try not to offend or create waves and in turn put ourselves in a situation where we are belittled or harassed. We think that it will pass quicker if it is not addressed and this is not the case. Addressing the situation airs out the distress and is the start of setting up healthy expectations and boundaries.
- Social Setup.
Often times the aggressive stressful atmosphere that we have entered into was created by the original social structure. This happens when we join a new social group that was already established or start a new work environment. We may want to be part of the social group and in turn lower our boundaries and become more tolerant of such behaviors. The other side of this coin is if we grew up in an home situation in which delittling or being aggressive was a normal day to day activity. We grow up thinking that it is a perfectly normal thing to do and in turn do not see the issue when we encounter it in a new setting.
Strategies to take control of uncomfortable social interactions
-Set boundaries: Healthy boundaries are a must when informing others what their expectations are and how they can treat you. Be clear and direct about what is acceptable and what is not. It may even help for you to write it down so that you are stay consistent and clear in your communication with them. If they are unable to respect your boundaries, then they are no longer aloud to interact with you.
-Voice concerns: Do not be quiet about your needs. Some people may not know that they are making you feel uncomfortable or realize that they are putting you into distress. Make sure to be clear with them in your communication and keep yourself safe. If you do not feel like you are explaining yourself well or you need a support, ask a mutual friend or supervisor to assist in the conversation.
-Find positive Interactions: You do not need to necessarily cut someone completely out of your life. You may just need to set up boundaries where they can only interact with you on a minimal level. For example; maybe light talk at work or at a family gathering. If those can be positive and everyone keeps to their boundaries, then this may be a great compromise. Also find people and interactions that are positive and leave you feeling happy after. Everyone deserves to feel respected and cared for. When you find these positive relationships it will help with personal growth and social satisfaction.
My Challenge to you: Do you have any social interactions that make you uncomfortable? How can you set boundaries and voice your concerns with them? Is there anyone in your network that you can create more positive interactions with and better utilize your friendship? Remember that relationships are all about give and take, so it may not be a bad idea to talk to your friends/partner to see if there is anything they would like to change to make things a little more healthy and happy.
Happy boundary/bond building friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
Photo by: Asdrubal luna
