Both the step-parent and bio parent may not understand the gravity of becoming a step caregiver. It is a big and often complicated role that you need to understand before taking it on. Not only will we take a moment to acknowledge the important and rarely thanked role of the Step-parent, but we will be examining the possible issues they will encounter.
1. It is not you.
There is a big piece of the pie that is not about you. There will be hurts and fears that you have to take on that you had no part in creating. But with that, do know you are stepping into sensitive and sacred ground. If they learn to trust you and love you, the hurt will be so much more significant if that relationship is lost.
2. It takes time.
And with anything sacred (and I mean SACRED) it takes time to learn how to love and support each other. Here is the honesty people never say: You may never love the kids like we think we should love our kids. But with love it changes and grows. It is different with every person and every moment in time. Have kindness and respect always. If you are mad or frustrated, do what is best and rational for them no matter what.
3. All work, no perk.
You are the one organizing doctor appointments, battling school districts, teaching organization, and following up on homework- but more than likely you don’t get the credit that goes along with it. If you feel that it truly has no perk to it; seek support from your partner and find the little perks. A kind smile or a high five might not seem like much, but if you look at it in the right light, it can mean the world.
4. Family dynamics change.
When you were added to the family, you changed the family dynamics. With any change of family dynamics there will be growing pains. Be patient as you all find your new norm. To make this change easier try to have a ‘family date night’ once a week or so where everyone gets to enjoy each other and have a positive experience.
5. Be a team.
You and your partner need to be a team. Know your role and how to support each other. Naturally a leader will emerge, but for the most part, power should be seen as equal. Side note: Equal power may take time to establish. The primary discipliner may stay the bio parent, but consequences should be seen as being enforced by both parental unite. Communication is key here.
6. Be you.
You are wonderful! You and your partner have taken on the huge amazing task of raising a family. The best part of a family with step parents is that the kids will have more people to love them. Each parental unit will bring something new and valuable to their growth as productive people. Be you and enjoy them as people. Take time to connect and form a special bond with them.
My Challenge to you: Sit down with your partner and look at each of these aspects. Communicate how you will support each other with each point and navigate any complications. Be productively honest with the kids in the family as well that it will take time for everyone to feel united. Make sure that everyone understands the big tasks at hand, but also the wonderful benefits that will come with hard work.
Happy balancing friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
Photo by: Caroline Hernandez
