We are a scared generation. As far as the aspects we need to deal with on a daily basis, we are fearful of our future and the future of our children. So naturally this gets reflected in our parenting styles. But if we know the obstacles we are up against, we can change for the better. Here are the three aspects we need to watch so that we can stay goal focused. And four tasks that will make our kids and us even stronger.
-Fearful.
We fear that our kids won’t succeed and therefore we push them to be better and better. If we are always there to push them and tell them what to do, they never learn the vital skill of self motivation. They start to strive towards goals because we want them to. But as parents we will not be around forever. Our goal should be to teach them how to be successful in life with as minimal support that is needed. We want them to fail and learn from this failure. Parents should be there for support and to cheerlead, but not to save.
-No decision making.
In our scope of guidance we often do not give them the opportunity to decide for themselves. Kids are losing the ability to make decisions and live with their consequences. This creates major anxiety when they have to make a decision on their own. Often times they will either be unable to make the decision at all or will feel terrible about the decision they made. Failure is good- they need to learn from the failure and learn to fail gracefully. And consequences are apart of life- good, bad, or indifferent. Learning to push on when we get consequences we didn’t want or were not expecting is imperative to future success.
-Mastery.
Mastery of a task creates confidence and self worth. We may push to have our children learn lots of different skills and activities because we feel that this will give them opportunities. Which in many ways it will. However, we are also teaching them to hop from task to task. They may start to jump form task to task simply because they are not naturally good at it. We want to teach them that if they really want something, it takes hard work and practice to feel this sense of mastery.
Tasks for Parents:
Step back.
Bad things happen. Bad things will happen if you are right next to them or not. The key here is being close enough to support when needed, but far enough away to let them fail and learn from their mistakes.
Decisions.
Let them make decisions and live with the consequences. Say YES to failure. As parents we can not control our children, but we can process with them and help them understand the outcome. We want them to take responsibility for their decision- good or bad.
Repetition.
Kids are the master of repetition because repetition is cultivation of a skill. Let your kids get bored so that this boredom can breed creativity. Move away from electronics and have them interact with nature, do art projects, or anything physical.
Chores.
Give them chores- real chores. Specifically chores that they will need as adults. Your little kids may not start out with doing their own laundry, but they can sort clothes or load the washer. The tasks you give them should contribute to the family and bring them in as part of the team. The end goal is to have them be capable adults who have social etiquette and can take care of themselves.
My Challenge to you: All parents, including myself, are guilty of some of these aspects. Take this week to pay close attention to times in which you are fearful, remove decision making, or push away from mastery of skill. See if you can add stepping back, letting them make decisions, creating an environment for repetition, or including them in chores. Try your best to be as consistent as possible and even explain the reasoning behind the change. Remember, your end goal of parenting is helping them be capable, productive adults. Your role is the teacher, unconditional love, and cheerleader. And of-course, have fun and enjoy each other too.
Happy parenting friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
Photo: BlueFox Press
