How do you know someone is toxic? You probably won’t realize it at first, but after a while you can see their patterns and how awful you feel after interactions with them. Here are the most common versions of toxic people and how to interact with them in a healthy way.

The Two-faced

Which version are you going to get? That is the game of this toxic person. Stop trying to please them or get pulled into their turbulent behaviors. Minimal emotional interaction is best with them, as they will see you are not playing along in their games. Don’t be surprised if they start to lay on heavy charm to reel you back in.

The Silver Tongue

For some reason you find yourself doing things for this person that you would not normally do and that will directly deplete/harm you. The common tactic for them is to start small and reasonable (needing a pen) and work into you much larger demands (large amounts of money). Once you realize what is happening, set up healthy boundaries for yourself. An example would be to not give them anything or stray from your routine. Keep your boundaries strong and healthy but know that they will test them every so often.

The Bounce Back

Whatever the situation is- it is never their fault or about them. You will always be to blame and at some point you will start to believe it. Statements like “You make me insecure” or “You ruined the day because you were mad” are common. Take a step back and rationally look at the situation. An outside perspective is helpful here, so discussing this with a friend or therapist will be helpful to see the parts you both are playing in these situations. Reacting in a calm, respectful manner is important here and some emotional distance is helpful for healthy boundaries.

The Line Drawer

At some point they will draw a line in the sand and it will come down to your loyalty to them. This usually starts off small with asking you to skip a class to comfort them, but then slowly moves into asking you to pick them over others or abandon long term healthy relationships. Once again, healthy boundaries are key here. Make your intentions clear about the nature of your relationship and that you will not alienate others to pledge your allegiance to them.

The File Keeper

They know negative or uncomfortable things that you have done and are ready to use it against you when needed. Often times it is a threat to get you to do something for them or a way to manipulate you into a friendship/relationship. To get you to disclose these aspects to them they may appear to be a good friend or to also be vulnerable in a similar way. It is best to keep good boundaries with them and not disclose information to them that you do not want others to know.

The Inflater

They will use all or nothing language, such as “You never pay attention to me” or “I’m always there for you”. They will also take situations and exaggerate details to make it more dramatic or interesting. They will often tailor their communications with you to the types of elements you react to most. For example- the “You never” statement: you may become defensive and engage in them a great deal to prove your innocence. Best action is to stay calm and pay close attention to the facts.

The Punisher

They will take extra time paying close attention to details of your life and then express judgement in your choices. Judgements are usually inconsistent and hard to predict. For example, they laugh at your ‘terrible’ shoe purchase but then will own very similar footwear. If you are going to interact with them, it is important that you try to take their judgements with a grain of salt knowing that it is a manipulation tactic. This is not the person you will want to go to for empathy or advice.

My Challenge to you: Pay close attention to your social interactions and see if you can pinpoint any of these toxic people in your life. Make a clear decision about how you will interact with them and how to protect yourself so that you can stay healthy. Just because they are toxic does not mean you have to (or have the option) of eliminating them from your life. But you can limit yourself with them so that you can stay in a good headspace. Remember that therapy can be a good option for either of you to grow and learn to be healthier with one another (if you are open to it).

Happy detoxifying friends!

– Jessie the Therapist

Photo by: Dmitry Ratushny