Is there someone in your life that seems to be able to get under your skin no matter what? You may even be thinking there is something wrong with you that makes you so easily moved by them. But instead of focusing on self doubt and negativity, try these techniques to self regulate better no matter who is messing with your thermostat.
Self Focus.
Are you paying attention to you or are you focused on them? If you find yourself spending all your energy on stresses around them or trying to control their actions- then you need to bring the focus back into yourself. You can not control them, you can only control yourself. Focusing on you and what you can control. Ground yourself with technics like meditation, yoga, or prayer to determine what you and your body needs in order to stay health both mind and body.
The End Game.
What is the goal? Most people enter most social interactions without a goal in mind. The goal can be part of the specific interaction itself or a blanket goal such as having better communication with that particular person. The goal should be focused on you and your relationship building, not attempting to control others. A good general social interaction goal would be to have 4 positive interactions with them for every 1 negative that you have. This principal is the general guideline to positive social regard.
Objective View.
Does it really affect you? Stand back and try to see the interactions from an objective third party. You need to ask yourself if what they are doing/saying/expressing really needs to affect you to the point that it does. Note if it cuts you down mentally, physically, financially, professionally and so on; so that you have a true understanding of the depth of affect it is having. Then determine if it is really that important to you. Determine what degree of the interaction you are willing to have before it becomes a detriment to your well being.
Communicate.
Can you let them know what is bugging you? Open communication is a good way to go to not only improve the immediate situation at hand, but also the relationship as a whole. To start this conversation discuss that you are going to be disclosing something that may be upsetting or difficult to hear. Follow up this statement with genuine emotion like; the reason you are disclosing the information is because you want the relationship to be healthy and for you both to be able to express possibly uncomfortable aspects to each other in a kind manner.
Positive Expectations.
Do you think of them in a positive way? Keeping a positive view of the other person and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. More than likely they are not doing it on purpose or have no idea that it is bugging you. The more positive our expectations of the interaction are, the more likely the interaction will be positive. Your thoughts are setting the stage for how you will view it as a whole. So think positive.
Thank them.
Do you thank them? Thank them for the little things they do to make your life easier. And if you really can not find a way that they are benefiting you, thank them for giving you the opportunity to learn to regulate yourself no matter the outside pressures. Life is all about challenges to learn from.
Take a Break.
Do you disengaged when you need to? The break you take does not need to be big or even well announced. Just take a little time just for you to recharge and unwind. Think of this as part of your self care and boundary setting. It is good for both people to learn when they need to take come time to themselves.
My Challenge to you: Pinpoint a specific person that you feel is ‘messing with your thermostat’. Run through these points and determine how to change your mindset towards this person. Try these techniques in real life and note how they went. Also note how you could use a similar or completely different technique in a more productive manner. Relationships are all about work all the time- for a healthy and happy relationship you must continue to participate and grow.
Happy self regulating friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
Photo by:Kelly Sikkema
