Self defeating behaviors are things we do that take away from our healthy goals in life. We all have them and they can be difficult to stop. Recently I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the tasks I need to get done. Then to make things worse, my own defeating demons come out to compound the stress.

I want to budget well but tend to spend money when I’m stressed. I procrastinate big projects when I’m tired because I falsely rationalize that I will do them when I magically have more energy (which never happens). And I tend to interact with people who are negative for me when I am feeling down, like if they like me, I might feel better. All of these are defeating behaviors for me, because they don’t work to cope and actually take me further away from my goals.

I have decided to create a plan of attack for these behaviors and I’m going to take you on the adventure with me.

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Here is how we combat our defeating behaviors:

My defeating behavior: Trying to get someone who is negative toward me to like me because I want to be liked by everyone.

1) Know your triggers.

Sit down and write out what your triggers are. For example: My triggers for interacting with negative people is having a lot to do, feeling emotionally disconnected from others, and not doing self care like exercise or being in nature. 

2) Know the underlying reason.

There is always a deep dark reason we have for poor coping mechanisms and they are usually uncomfortable to bring out. For me, I get in phases were I really want to be liked (which is way more complex then I’ll get into here). So if someone doesn’t particularly like me or isn’t nice to me, I can spend a great deal of time wondering why and how I can change it. When in reality, if everyone liked me, I would be a pushover with no opinions. And that’s not the person I want to be. I rationally know all of this, but getting the emotional side of me to understand can be impossible at times. 

3) Replace with healthy behaviors.

You can not stop behaviors unless you replace them with healthy coping mechanisms. Plus, you need to recognize that the unhealthy behaviors have become natural to us and therefore, will be the choice we fall back on if we have not planned correctly. For me, this means that I need to be proactive with self care, making a point to connect with people who are healthy for me, and keeping myself organized. The most important piece here is that you are honest with yourself and really create an action plan that you will ACTUALLY use. Example: I can’t go to a yoga class at the drop of a hat (unrealistic), but I can do push ups in my living room (realistic). 

4) Take one day at a time.

Some days will be easier than others. So be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. If you mess up- figure out what went wrong in your plan and modify it so you’re more likely to be successful in the future. Life is about learning, so know it will take time to get right.

My Challenge to you: Take some time this week to identify some of your self defeating behaviors and create an action plan. Here are the steps:

1) Know your triggers.

2) Know the underlying reason.

3) Replace with healthy behaviors.

4) Take one day at a time.

Happy defeating self defeating behaviors friends!

-Jessie the Therapist