When my children were born, I forgot I had a husband. I simply lumped him into ‘the family’ and stopped noticing that I was also in a relationship. It is embarrassing to think how long I felt this way and did not realize it. So if you are doing the same thing I did, here is some ways to rejoin the love of your life.

• Stop telling them they need to do more_______. More dates, more flowers, more laundry. Life together should not be a competition. And as far as bringing the romance- no one can make you feel romantic about them, you need to change your mindset. Love is not the dates or gifts- it is the thoughts and connection.
• Stop telling yourself you don’t have time. You may not have time for the type of dating you did before kids, but you have time for a quick flirt, a simply text, or even intentional eye contact.
• Be honest. Communicate your feelings, your fears, insecurities- all of it. Your love can tell when you are telling half truths or hiding deep emotions. Sharing your true experience may be brutal but in the end it will bring you closer together.
• Lower your romance standards. It may not be a beautiful dinner with flowers, but cut mangos and Netflix is good too. Focus on the moment and be mindful of the interaction.
• Talk about things other than your kids. Branch away from adulting. You can find time to talk logistics later.
• Discuss/fantasize about your future life together. At some point you both will just be you two again. You need to cultivate a relationship now, so that when you get to this point it is not an awkward time. Talk about retirement, travel, big dreams, potential hobbies, and what you want to do with your life together.
• Flirt. Sure you already have them locked down and they watched you push a bunch of babies out of your body- so what! Grab their hot bottom, allude to sex, and be excited that they are around.
• Enjoy sex. Sex is not intimacy and intimacy is not sex- but intimacy makes sex better. You need to be able to talk about sex directly and openly. If there is an issue or if it feels like a chore, both people need to problem solve to make it better.
• Don’t spend to much time reminiscing (or bringing up past conflicts). Life will never be the same as before- you will never have the time, energy, or body you had back then. You need to find your new awesome in the situation you are in now.
• Be intentional. Time is the most valuable resource you have. When you create time with each other, you need to be mindful of the moment and purposeful. I don’t mean you need to get a bunch of chores done. What I mean is that you need to know this time is for your significant other and your going to do your best to be focus on them.

My Challenge to you: This situation of forgetting about your partner is a common one. Take some time this week to think about your relationship and if there is any areas you can improve upon. Is your relationship a focal point or is your partner lumped into the family unit? Find an area of weakness and discuss with your love ways that you both can create a stronger bond. Remember that this is teamwork- you can’t improve a partnership unless everyone is aware of the issue and knows their role in the repair.

Happy loving friends!

– Jessie the Therapist