Unbelievable as it may seem, I try my best to not analyze people in my day to day life. Sometimes people won’t talk to me at social events because they are fearful that I will ‘figure them out’. Or it is completely the opposite and I hear about every uncomfortable situation they have ever experienced in their lifetime. So I try to avoid analyzing because unless we are creating a treatment plan, I don’t need too.

However, some situations are just begging to be noticed or are completely unavoidable all together. Like being stuck in a grocery store line. There was a mother and daughter discussing how another girl (I’m guessing one of the girl’s friends) had had sex and was ‘such a slut’. This statement came from the mouth of the mother and the daughter just nodded and made very little eye contact. The mother went on to elaborate on how sex before marriage makes you forever dirty and how she could tell that this girl was a ‘slut’ based on her clothing. The mother was pushing how shameful and guilt ridden sex is. Based on the girl’s body language I would guess that she has some shame and guilt around her sexuality or had engaged in sexual type activities.  

So here is the issue with pairing sex/sexuality with shame and guilt.

-It puts a negative emotion with something that can be wonderfully healthy and important to a relationship. These emotions do not just go away once you have hit a point where it is acceptable. Feeling guilty even when it is ‘okay now’ messes with the emotional connection and intimacy of a relationship. This leads to resentment, self hatred, and shame.

-As our bodies start to mature it takes on a sexual shape. If we see sex and sexuality as negative, we will resent this change. This is called body hate. It’s where we start to feel shame for how we look physically and it can feel like our bodies are changing in ways we are not ready for. We can also start to get more attention in regards to our mature body which may elicit a guilt response for just being who we are.

-We are sexual beings and have sexual urges. If we combine upsetting emotions like shame and guilt with sex, we can feel like we are failing morally. We may even feel that our body is betraying us by wanting sex. We can want sex without acting on our urges- we as humans are capable of consequential thinking.

-Shame may prevent some people from not having sex, but not all. We need to make our and our kids self worth strong. We need to help them create and stand strong with their convictions. Think of it this way: If someone told me that I needed to wear my seatbelt solely because it was against the law, the likelihood of me doing so is relatively low. It even gets lower the longer it has been that I have been caught with  noncompliance and given a law consequence (a ticket). But if you explain that the seat belt makes it so you don’t go through your windshield during an accident and die, then I’m going to understand the importance of wearing a seatbelt- hence increasing compliance. Now even time you put on a seatbelt, you’re going to think of sex. You are welcome.  

-I love the idea of no sex before a steady committed relationship because this implies a few things: first there is the hope that if you feel emotionally ready to be committed to someone, you are probably emotionally ready to understand yourself within a sexual relationship. Second, you are committed to a person who (usually) you intend to grow with and emotionally care for one another for a long period of time. There should be an understanding of what sex can be and how important not just sex is, but also intimacy. Sex has emotions and these should be deciphered within a emotionally dedicated partnership.

My Challenge to you: We are all going to explore the emotions that we have attached to sex and intimacy. Ask yourself these questions and explore your thoughts/emotions. If you have a partner, it may be nice to have them answer these questions too and discuss. Once you have had time to ponder- Develop a plan to improve yourself in feeling sexually & emotionally healthy.

-When I think about sex, what emotions come up?

-Do I like myself?

-Why do I have/not have sex?

-How do I feel about myself after I have sex or engage in sexually activities?

-Do I feel safe before, during, and after engaging in sexual activity?

-If I wanted to stop in the middle of sexual activity, do I feel like that would be respected?

-Do I have control of myself and my body?

-How do I feel about sexualality and sexual acitivies?

-What do I need to work on?

-What is amazing about me?

If you feel confused or unhappy with any of these answers, you may want to take active steps to remedying these things. If you feel like you need help or some guidance, here are some resources. You can also personally message/email me and I can help you find the right resources for your situation.

Resources:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

Pschology Today (find a therapist):  https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/

Covenant Sex Therapy (Utah):  (385) 312-9844

Utah Pride Center: (801) 539-8800

Hope I made you blush friends!

-Jessie the Therapist