Spring and pre-winter holiday season has the highest rates of breakups all year. If you are going to break up with someone- at least be good at it. There is no need to prolong the pain on either side, or create more pain than needs to happen. Here is a list of the most common mistakes and how to avoid them as much as possible.

#1. Prolonged. Do it sooner than later. Do it once you know you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Don’t wait until after the holidays, or after their birthday- it is going to hurt them and you, no matter what. And if they find out you planned on breaking up with them way before you did, it is especially damaging because they were still being vulnerable and emotionally tied to the relationship.

#2. ‘Ghosting’. Quite possibly to most damaging and detrimental over the long term is removing all contact from the person without any reasoning or explanation. The best way to break up with someone is in person. Don’t break up in public- but also don’t do it at your home. You need to be able to leave. The only aspect that changes this is if there is a safety issue.

#3. Starting a fight/blaming. It is important that you share your emotions and be honest in order to give closure for both parties. However, don’t devalue or downplay the good things about the other or the relationship. Don’t start a fight with the intention of making it ‘easier’ to break up. On the flip side of this, don’t over compliment them or try to comfort them. You are breaking up with each other and it’s not going to be comfortable.

#4. Avoiding responsibility. If the relationship did not work out, it is your fault too. Don’t try to put blame all on them or avoid taking responsibility for your part. This is part of growing as a person to be a better partner in the future- for both of you.

#5. Defending against everything they say. They should be able to say their peace as well. Try to stay calm and hear them out. Their words may be objective or completely emotional, but you should take the time to hear what they have to say to you. This is the time to do this because after this, respectful communication boundaries should be set up so that both parties can heal and move on.

#6. Keep communicating. Be respectful and have no communication after the breakup for a period of time. Only communicate if you need to for work/business/children reasons. No emotion talk past that. No late night texting. Don’t say that you can still be friends- you can’t. Uncertainty is what makes things worse. By being vague you are prolonging hope that can be very damaging to both people.

#7. Breakup sex or kissing. Don’t have break up sex or a break up kiss. This is the ultimate mixed signal and creates emotional confusion. This is a matter of respecting the other person and resting a clean and healthy break.

#8. Giving in. At some point in most breakups someone will start to beg or manipulate the other to try the relationship again. Be strong and do not give in. This is a matter of respect to them as a person and their healing process. Both of you need time to get healthy before re-entering a relationship.

My Challenge to you: Think back to a past breakup or even one that you are dealing with right now- and review which mistakes were done on either side. How would you have liked the breakup to go so that it was smoother and healthier? Be honest with yourself on aspects that you could have done better. Remember that it will definitely hurt, but your heart will heal. Go be the healthy amazing person you are.

Happy healthy healing friends!

– Jessie the Therapist

Photo by:Paloma A.