“No one should touch your private parts unless it is to keep you clean or healthy.”

I know that this commonly stated sentence is meant to protect and educate our children about sexual abuse, but here is the problem with it: It does not give the child say about their body or an understanding of what sexual abuse is.

The fact is, people who sexually assault/abuse children can use these concepts of “cleaning” or “keeping healthy” to sexually abuse them. No parent wants to think that this could potentially happen to your child, but we can’t ignore the bad things in the world. We need to assess the situation for what it is and figure out better ways to guard against them. These are a few of the best ways to discuss and safeguard our children from sexual assault/abuse.

• Use the real names.
  • It is not a Who-Haw, a Vajayjay or Cha-Cha. It is not a Weiner, a Ding Dong, or a Dopper. It is a Vagina and a Penis. It may seem harmless but when you give someone’s body part a nickname it shows how uncomfortable with human anatomy you are. Which in turn makes the child uncomfortable because if you’re uncomfortable with it, then there must be something wrong.You want your child to know the real names for their bodies because:
    • We want our children to be comfortable with their bodies and know that their private parts are normal, even though we keep them private.
    • Understanding who/what they are empowers and embraces them to love themselves and their bodies.
    • When you have the real name there is no confusion when discussing body parts. This makes early detection of sexual abuse easier to catch because they can tell you exactly what has happened.    
    • Nicknaming body parts is stupid. Grow up, be an adult, and stop confusing your kids. Be honest to them, even if you are not completely comfortable.
• They give permission, ALWAYS.
  • Once your kids are old enough to understand, usually around 3 or 4 years old, they can decide if they want to give/receive affection. This lets them know that they are under control of their bodies and can decide what happens to it. That means that they decide if they want you to give them a hug, a kiss, a high five, or nothing at all. If you or their doctor need to check their genitalia for any reason, they need to agree to it first and get an explanation of why it needs to be done. This does a few things for them:
    • Giving permission gives them control. They are active in their decision of what happens to them. So if something does happen to them, they know it was a violation and are more likely to report it.
    • Empowers them to love and accept their bodies. They are less likely to think of their bodies as a shameful or dirty thing and more like a sacred and private thing.
• Be Open.
  • Be as open and honest with your children as it is appropriate for their age group. Help them understand that if something was to happen, they could come and talk with you without embarrassment or shame. Even young children can express what is going on by asking a very simple, “Did anything make you feel scared or yucky when you were over there?” We can’t prevent everything, but we can make sure that they can find help and safety with us when they need it.

My Challenge to you: Think about this concept of ‘body respect’ and analyze if you feel like you have control of your body or if you are expected to do things based on social norms (hugging when a friend leaves). Do you really feel like you make the decision? If you said ‘no’ would it be respected?

Then apply this to your kids/friends/family. Ask permission before going in for that hug or kiss. If you are going to the doctor soon, makes sure that they ask your child first before doing the physical checks and give the reasoning behind why it needs to be done.  

Happy Body Respecting friends!
-Jessie the Therapist