Tis’ the season to threaten our kids. And this week I relearned something that I should have been more focused on. Before I was a parent I determined I was not going to threaten the kids around the holidays with the naughty and nice list. However, I would assume like most parents at one point you shout, “Santa is watching you and you need to be good to stay on the nice list!” That night I found my sweet little 5 year old crying in her room after a toy stealing interaction she had with her sister (which is a daily situation at our home). She told me that she was definitely on the naughty list because she was mad at her sister for taking her princess crown.

My kids are pretty good kids overall and rarely do mean things out of anger or spite. They have bad days and break rules- but this is all part of learning boundaries and developing character/ethics. So to have this sweet little lady feel like a single negative emotion that she felt was going to have huge negative implications broke my heart. After hours of reassuring that she has a good heart and Santa can see this- I started understanding how I need to approach the Santa Claus/Elf on a Shelf deal as an actual parent now. It is just a fun way to bring a little magic to the holiday, not a way to change behavior (as I always knew but failed to behave as such). So as our silly little Elf on a Shelf gets into mischief and the kiddos anticipate Santa Claus’s visit, I review the consequence system that I know works to modify behaviors and still maintain self worth/self esteem.

Rules of Good Consequences:

– Determine ‘House Rules’

All caretakers should sit down and determine what the house rules are. The rule list should not be more than a few rules (max 10) including a ‘catch all’ rule that discusses what happens when a situation does not fall into one of the other rules. If the kids move between other homes, hopefully all caretakers can agree to the rule list as it is more effective if consistent. Once the rule list has been determined, you inform the kids of the rules and why they are put into place.

– Figure out Consequences

Number 1 RULE: DO NOT threaten to take away something that you are not willing to take away. That’s right- I’m talking Christmas. Don’t threaten taking away Christmas or getting coal unless you are completely prepared to shut Christmas down. It is WAY worse to threaten something, have the kid call your bluff, continue the naughty behavior, earning them the consequence, and then have you not follow through with it. It pokes holes in all your rules and expectations.

You can have specific consequences for specific behaviors and/or a set of consequences ready for various behaviors (big fan of the consequence jar).  

– Determine how they can earn back part of it (reducing hopelessness)

This is an incredibly important part that is often left out. Now even though they can earn some of the consequence back (like tv being taken away) they should not be allowed to earn it all back. By doing this the caregiver is teaching these aspects:

• They get the opportunity to practice the correct behavior, giving them the time to experience what it is like to do the ‘good behavior’
• Reduces hopelessness. We want the consequences to be a learning tool not a way to get the kiddo down.  
• Shows them that if they work hard they can make their situation better.

– Teach routine & expectations

As caregivers we should know what we want out of the kids and how they can act accordingly. The more you keep to routines and routine expectations, they are more likely to predict the correct behavior and act accordingly.

– PRAISE!

Being positive is the most important on the list- if you do nothing else on this list, praise your kid. This is most important because as life gets rough, sad, confusing, and/or terrible- they will come to you for guidance. Building a positive relationship is key to long term healthy behaviors. Praise should be at a ratio of 4 (positive) to 1 (negative).

My Challenge to you: Take a moment to sit down and review your consequence system. Make sure that everyone understands it and why it is put into place. Remember that the purpose of a consequence system is to teach your kids how to be productive functional adults.  

Happy Fa La La La Laing friends!

-Jessie the Therapist